underachievement | IC INBOX + OPEN POST / memes, psl, etc.

Sounds promising. [ He shot back only to realize how stupid he sounded. Not even his smile would make up for it, knowing it wasn't fully there. Confiding in her lifted some of the weight on his shoulders but it made him relive some of his darkest moments.

That wasn't any fault of Jessica's. He wanted her to know what she was getting into by allowing him to stay with her. Most of all, he wanted her safe even if she insisted there was no future between them.

Instead of giving her his glass, Shadow took the one out of her hand. ] I've got it.

[ He motioned toward the bathroom with his head. Sleep made sense. She'd been up early and gone most of the day. He'd disclosed a lot, enough to wear himself down. It was safe to assume that she was drained too.

Yet he had no plans to sleep, the least he could was take care of their glasses.

Shadow didn't leave but set her glass down next to his on the nightstand then bent over to unlace his footwear. He stepped out of them then did the same with his socks, grabbing both before finally standing and setting them next to his bag in the corner of the room. Next was the shirt he was wearing. One hand reached behind his head and pulled a handful from the back of his head. He let it fall on top of the bag before pulling off the belt from his jeans. The denim clung to his hips after the accessory was removed. Idly, he wrapped the leather around his hand that gripped the buckle, neatly rolling up the belt before bending down then sitting it on top.

Hopefully Jessica would get some rest under the guise that he was going to sleep too. ]

[ Jess relinquished her glass and scuffed the floor on her way out of bedroom. In all honesty, it wasn't like her to clean up after shared drinks, but he'd made her room so spotless, it seemed like the right thing to do. She was only going to leave the glasses in the sink and the bottle right beside it, so hopefully he wouldn't go to any more effort than that. As soon as her back was to him, she was too in her own head to attune her senses to the noise of him moving about the apartment -- or not moving about, such as he wasn't.

In the bathroom, she ran the sink and squeezed toothpaste onto her toothbrush. Avoiding her reflection didn't spare her any introspection as her eyes fixed on Shadow's toothbrush, left in the cup.

As soon as a fear sprang up, she drowned it out by berating herself for her useless thoughts. If she was afraid, she should tell him to leave, and if she wasn't going to do that, what point was there to letting her mind run worried laps? This isn't about you, Jones.

Jess sighed through her nose and resumed going through the motions. She shucked off her boots and jeans before sitting down on the toilet, multitasking as much as humanly possible. After a piss and a flush, then a spit and rinse, she was ready to go to bed in the same shirt she'd worn all day.

She had no reason to doubt that Shadow was just as drowsy as she was. He warned her before she got home that he might doze off, didn't he? She wouldn't be surprised if he was quietly snoring when she walked back into the room. While that wasn't the case, he nonetheless looked fit for sleep. Jess gave a weak smile as she shut the light off and crossed to the bed. Under the blanket, she tucked herself in alongside him, pillowing her head on his shoulder. ]

Thanks, [ she murmured, because saying this also felt like the right thing to do, though she was waiting on hindsight in order to actually feel grateful, ] for telling me.

[ Of course he didn't just leave the two glasses in the sink. It didn't take but a minute to wash them and left the kitchen clean for breakfast in the morning. He drank a little water while at the sink, swishing it around then spitting it out. Shadow would normally have the same routine that Jessica had in the bathroom but he wanted to give her space aside from having pretty much done it before she got home.

Home.

It was hers shared with him and it seemed that Jessica wanted to continue that way. In the morning, he'd put his clothes back in the broken drawer and the far corner of the closet. The bag he'd been living out of had been empty under her bed until they texted about him coming clean. Shadow hoped for the best but planned for the worst.

He was glad to have been wrong, happy to unpack his bag again.

Shadow had gotten out of his jeans and left them on top of the pile. He rested on his back as she often found him. Jessica usually used his arm for a pillow but he needed her a little closer. ] Thanks for listening and believing me.

[ His arm moved up and under her head, giving Jessica the pocket between his shoulder and chest to rest on. Shadow leaned in and gave her lips a proper soft kiss goodnight. They had more passionate kisses between them but it didn't feel right in the moment. She had listened and believed him but he knew she was still processing it all. He could feel it. His head fell back on the pillow.

Quietly, he looked at the shadows that filtered in from the street lights on the ceiling of the dark room. It seemed like an eternity before his mind settled enough for sleep to overtake him. ]

[ It took her a long time to relax. In her head, she threw together a sloppy pseudo-mantra out of the facts he'd given her. When her thoughts strayed to her past, she gracelessly corrected them. After hearing the word "Wednesday" three or four times, it occurred to her what god Shadow was dealing with.

Could the Avengers help him? Would they even want to? Thor was barely even a member. He spent his time everywhere but Earth and who could blame him. Whether he got help or not, Shadow would end up on a government list for the rest of his life, if he wasn't locked up in a facility for monitoring and weaponizing. No, they couldn't go to the heroes with this, unless they'd exhausted every resort including the last and whatever was buried underneath the last.

Back to the facts. God dad. Human mom. Zombie wife.

Eventually, she wore herself out with mental repetition and the struggle to keep it on course. Her last thoughts before sleep were unfettered and sinisterly personal, pouring over with doubt and regret. Then came a stretch of blissful darkness that was both long and too short. She wasn't aware of it until it had ended and she was at the mercy of her dreams.

She was standing on the stage of the nightclub where Luke was forced to try and kill her. The floor was flooded with dark water up to the stage's edge, and absent below the surface. It was black and deep and it smelled salty. She was alone except for her reflection, which stood out in a shock of bright yellow. Jess recognized the dress she was wearing but, somehow, not that she was wearing it.

Another breath and she would jump. Below the water, everyone would be safe. But no matter how much time passed, and how badly she wanted to, she didn't move. Alone, she blamed herself. This had to a decision she was making, even though she knew everyone was going to suffer for it. Frustrated tears started to roll down her face and dampen her dress in tiny speckles. It got hard to see through them. It got harder to breathe and so her chance to jump got further and further away. Behind her, someone spoke her name. Feet rooted, Jess turned at the waist and stared blearily down two dark barrels.

She woke up right as the shotgun went off. ]

Jess... Jessica.

[ He'd drifted off to sleep finally, having counted over a hundred as the shadows slowly shifted on her ceiling. Exhaustion kicked in while he closed his eyes and focused on her breathing instead of his own. Only as he succumbed to sleep did he think about how often he'd fallen asleep to the sound of her breaths.

There were times she didn't utter a word in greeting when Jessica came through the door and they were tangled up physically in that silence. Other times, she slipped into bed while he was sound asleep and her body aligned perfectly next to his.

His thoughts wouldn't take hold. Dreams? Shadow wasn't sure what his mind had been up to. Had he been simply just replaying past memories or was it a dream he'd been having?

Only when Jessica felt stiff and heavy in his arms did every image in his mind come to a screeching halt. If the weight of her body hadn't started to pull him from sleep, her sudden jolt definitely did the trick. His mouth felt dry but he smacked his lips to fight off the dryness. ] Baby, what's wrong?

[ Hoarsely, he continued to call for Jessica. Shadow was careful not to restrain her or smother her. Her strength could send him crashing into the wall. He was careful not to run the callused parts of his hands over her skin, attempting a soft caress to coax her into answering him. ]

[ At the call of her name, she confused dreams with reality. Was he the one holding the gun? It would explain why it scared her, when the end result was the same as if she drowned herself. If he had been made to kill her then she didn't want to die. She wanted to fall back into the dream and wrench the gun out of his hands. Conversely, she also wanted to wake up, but was too exhausted to manage on her own.

Shadow helped her. He kept talking, in a voice laden with sleep that was a finer detail than her brain could conjure. Jess cursed unintelligibly, turning towards him as she'd come to sleep on her back. Her eyes blinked open, her vision a hazy flood of dim streetlight. ]

Shadow? [ She hadn't quite caught what he'd asked her so instead she implored him for further assurance of his presence. Her hand splayed where she felt warmth and she gripped him gently, though she couldn't tell where. ] I... [ 'm sorry, she stopped herself from saying. She was sorry, for this and many more things, and incapable of partitioning the apology properly. Better not loose it at all, than to lose control of it and herself. ]

[ Her hand was over the side of his abdomen where his rib cage ended. He didn't think anything of it, turning further into Jessica at the touch. ] Yeah, it's me.

[ Hopefully his sleep filled voice registered to her. Not having brushed his teeth before bed, maybe his breath aided in recognizing him. Shadow didn't give any of that actual thought. He worried with trying to give Jessica her bearings.

He couldn't help think that what he'd shared earlier with her were the cause for her nightmare. She hadn't disclosed having one but the signs were all there. ] I'm right here. I've got you. [ He continued to talk as hadn't said more than his name clearly. ]

[ Okay. He was there. And she had to get a hold of herself before she accidentally hurt him or caused him any more concern. Jess fixed her eyes on a blank spot on the wall and leveled out her breathing using a pattern given to her by a professional a long time ago. It sounded loud in her head and to her ears, and it gave away too much, if he knew anything about panic attacks.

After a couple minutes, which felt three times as long to her, she steadied herself and resumed normal, thoughtless breaths. She was still tired, sure that if she shut her eyes she would fall back asleep. It was tempting, just to get away from the situation. She blinked heavily. Sighed heavily, too.

By way of (calculated, controlled) apology, she muttered, ] Should've had more to drink.

I probably should've. [ It didn't matter to him whether or not she had meant herself or him. His heart pounded a mile a minute in his chest, worried for her and worried that what he confessed had been the reason for her bad dream.

Shadow wasn't sure if he wanted too much too soon. Wasn't it better to be up front rather than prolong the inevitable? He knew Jessica had her demons but was sure they didn't come close to what he'd just thrown on her doorstep.

If he cared about her, maybe the right call was to leave her rather than drag her into the disaster that was his life. In the weeks that he'd stayed with her, what had he offered her? Cleaning, company and cash--the latter that he was sure she kept tossing back into his things. He kissed tenderly into her hair at the top of her head. ] Do you want me to get you anything?

[ Shadow had yet to move away. One arm had moved under the pillow her head was on, pulling Jessica closer. The other rested over her arm that had reached out for him. ]

[ It was almost unprecedented for Jess to have someone there when she woke up from a nightmare (or to wake her up from one; she couldn't be sure which was the case and would be mortified to ask). In their long tenure living together, Trish was uniquely privy to that defect of hers. Jess's other relationships were all short enough that her boyfriends lucked out and never had to deal with it. However, several of those relationships were longer than she'd yet known Shadow. Something to pore over later.

So she wasn't used to the clinginess that overcame her, a strong physical urge to keep him close. That, too, would be mortifying if expressed. She refused to give into it. ]

Whiskey. No glass, just the bottle. [ Her grip turned slack and she withdrew her arm from him. Had she been holding on that tightly the entire time? Jesus. ]

[ He nudged her head back with his own. The hand that had offered a comforting touch behind her, moved to cradle her face. Whether or not Jessica met his gaze, Shadow looked at her face for a moment then leaned in and pressed a soft kiss at her mouth.

It was brief but necessary before he left her on the bed even if it was just a minute. ] I'll be right back.

[ No, it wasn't like her to cling onto him but Shadow wouldn't utter a word. Neither would he push her to talk about what was wrong. He still carried guilt over what he'd laid on her. His gait was long, barely thirty seconds passed before he returned with the requested bottle.

He twisted the top off and took a few gulps before handing it to her then getting back in bed. ]

[ Her brow knit pleadingly with the kiss, and to hide it, her head turned away as it broke. Her mussed hair made for a thick, dark curtain to obscure her face. It fell in front of it naturally as pushed herself up on her palms, then repositioned the pillows to cushion her back. She was able to sit up, albeit at a very lazy angle.

Out of habit, she pushed her hair back. She thought about shaking it forward again but denied herself the crutch. Jess bellowed a deep sigh. She straightened her side of the blanket across her, then stared into the vacant sheet exposed by Shadow's side. She was tempted to reach out and feel the warmth there.

It burdened her with an inkling of how he must feel whenever he woke up and she was gone. ]

I want to be with you, Jessica. Not just sex. I like the sex but I also like talking about what happened during the day. I like watching you devour what I make to eat. You waking me up when I fall asleep on the couch so I come to bed with you. Carrying you to bed when you fall asleep. I like going to sleep with you in my arms and waking up with you there. Or being able to still catch your scent on the bed when I miss you leaving before I wake up...

[ Shadow felt more nervous about what he just confessed than anything he'd said previously. He remained close to her, yet allowing Jessica room to drink or sit without being smothered. One hand propped up his head while the other rested on her leg closest to him as he spoke. ]

...I love all that but if you don't... [ His thumb rubbed over where it rested on her leg. He looked to it for a moment then returned his gaze to her face. Shadow looked like a kicked puppy but spoke with certainty. ] ...If all that isn't worth having to look over your shoulder because of the shit storm that's my life, I understand. If you decide tomorrow or in a week, I'll understand.

[ It was difficult seeing her shaken. Shadow didn't look with pity or guilt. He kept his eyes fixed on her face, looking at her vulnerably and tenderly all at once. ]

[ Jess drank as soon as the bottle was in her hand, chugging down every drop they'd neglected to share earlier. Relief hit her almost immediately, from the ritual associations if nothing else. The alcohol seeped into her blood more gradually and was well suffused by the time he finished talking. Over the course of her intoxication, his words turned from blocky strings of syllables to seamless smeared strokes on the air, pretty like a painting. His hand on her leg was as smooth as fine bristles on an artist's brush.

She laid her hand overtop of it. ]

It's not that I'm scared. I am, but that's... something else. Goddamn-- [ PTSD. She might have the liquid courage to talk about it but she lacked the energy, still. It was too much to tell, too long and twisted a story. Her head flagged to the side while she regarded him, his eyes so bright in the dimness of the room. ] It's that -- I choose to stay with you, that's my choice. If anything happens to me, then I knew it could happen.

Everyone I know, that I lost, it was my fault, and I don't want that, for you, you know? That's all. [ She lost eloquence towards the end, perhaps not communicating what she meant to. ]

[ Her hand soothed him. It had felt as if Jessica was deciding on whether or not to pull away. The touch told him otherwise. So did her words when she finally spoke.

Hearing her admit to being scared, gutted him. Shadow swore he'd been the cause until she continued a little more. The empathy he felt nearly suffocated him. Jessica had talked about losing people without ever going into detail. He never pushed for more, feeling it was something she should share on her terms.

He took the bottle that she emptied and reached back to sit it on the nightstand behind him.

Shadow was used to her draining a bottle, particularly when she was having a bad day. He figured what he'd told her qualified. Yet maybe it wasn't what he shared but her own demons that she had just alluded to.

His body moved to line up his face with hers, remaining inches apart. ]

It's settled. We stick together and nothing happens to either of us. [ Shadow leaned in and kissed Jessica tenderly, lingering more at her lips than he'd done all night. She could pull back or push him away but he poured his affection for her in the contact. ]

[ Wouldn't that be nice? It sounded something like atonement. But that was the whiskey high talking more than it was Shadow. Jess gave up on the concept of retribution when Hope's blood was pooling on the floor, soaking her knees. The deck was stacked against her. There was no fooling herself into thinking she had the time or chance to make up for the damage done around her. For her. By her.

She deserved to be with someone whose life was as fraught with danger and pain as her own.

Jess relented, though she couldn't say she was appeased. Shadow had sidestepped the matter of guilt, not vowed to deny it. But considering that it was a big ask, she didn't hold it against him. He needed time to work out if it was possible, and if it was, exactly how. She would try to do the same. It was her choice to keep him in her life. If he was irrevocably torn out of it, he wouldn't want her to suffer for it.

Yeah. A big, big ask.

She lifted her hand and held him by the crook of his neck. Their lips nearly parting, she brushed them together again, full and soft. Jess took the scent of him onto her tongue with a small breath and invited him to deepen the kiss. ]

[ It was easier to believe Jessica shut out people to protect herself from being hurt rather than believe she deserved so little in life. Shadow didn't want her to suffer more losses but still took the chance to remain in her life for as long as she'd allow him.

He accepted her invitation to deepen the kiss, a slip with the tip of his tongue and tasting past the liquor she'd been drinking. Shadow could always find her actual taste no matter how much Jessica had. He moved steadily and intricately with his lips to keep the kiss from getting too wet or sloppy.

They hadn't met in a romantic capacity yet it became second nature. He wasn't sure if it was his or her proclivity to go from working a job to ending up in bed but Shadow tried to see being with Jessica different from his failed marriage.

His mouth moved down Jessica's neck rather than allow thoughts outside of her to slip into his mind. ]

[ Jess sighed, baring her throat as his kiss moved down it. She sank into the pillows, gentle grip bidding him to come with her and cover her body. His weight and warmth were reassuring, as foolish as she felt for frightening him. She owed him the truth about her past, the details of her failures. Until he had them, his faith in her wasn't informed. His decision to stay with her, to fight with her and trust her to fight for him, couldn't count for all its worth.

Already, she knew it would be too long before she told him everything. She'd hate herself every second she put it off, fall asleep conflicted every day she managed to avoid it. But as long as she was falling asleep with him, it would be bearable. She'd endure herself day after day if it meant forgetting for one hour with him at night. ]

[ At the end of the day, or the start of it, he needed the physical connection as much if not more than Jessica. She hadn't rejected him or left when he'd confessed his history to her but only as they kissed and she invited him for more did Shadow realize how much he needed to know that she still wanted him.

They didn't need to have sex but that was where the momentum seemed to take them. Shadow had never been shy about desiring her and while Jessica didn't always look back at him the way he looked at her, she initiated sex more than he did.

He shifted back on his knees to take off the shirt she wore but quickly discarded it to the side of the bed before moving on top of her. His mouth returned to hers, content to kiss her a little longer and grind their bodies together than go for the gusto. ]

[ She raised her arms to slip out of the shirt, slinging them around his shoulders when he returned to her. Her knees bent slightly, cradling one of his legs in both of hers. He was big and she found the weight of his presence tremendously comforting. Maybe he felt the same about how slight she was, a tangible illusion that she could be protected.

One she was adamant to dispel, most of the time. With other men, it repulsed her. With Shadow, it wasn't a fair lie to let him believe. But tonight, she wanted it for them both. False security. Trust. A sad slant on hope.

Their mouths and hips moved languidly, each in tandem between the two of them. She let her arms slip from his neck, fingers trailing on his skin, and planted her hands softly on his sides. The grip of one was steady, while the other roamed exploringly across his back. ]

[ Slight wasn't a word that ever came to mind about Jessica Jones to Shadow. Not just because of her strength or attitude or tenacity. The first impression she gave was anything but diminutive in how she'd ordered him around. Yet there was something definitively hidden. Vulnerable.

It was possible he projected that onto her. No, he hadn't forgotten how Jess woke from a nightmare. She had super strength but wasn't invincible. He'd put a lot on her doorstep. At the end of the day, she was human. He needed her, and just maybe, she needed him too.

She felt feminine and strong, intelligent and mysterious, sassy and subsequently sexy. Shadow didn't need her to wear silk or lace, just how she tucked into him when they sat on the couch or laid in bed. How she'd slip in the shower when he was in it.

He might possibly never learn. Sex shouldn't lead into having feelings for someone but Shadow would be a liar to even think otherwise. He'd fallen again. What other reason would he have to go from buying furniture she didn't ask for to packing his things?

Whatever bad dream she had, he hoped it was a distant memory as his mouth moved with hers. More than a press of lips or stroke of one tongue to the other. Their breaths moved rhythmically. As her hands moved over his torso, he held up his frame over her by an elbow as the other tugged down their respective underwear.

Shadow moved slow enough for her to redirect or stop him entirely if she didn't want him proceeding. They weren't new to this dance but something did feel new about it, more than him taking the lead. His face lifted to catch his breath and read her expression. ]

[ Jess let go in order to lift her hips and shove her underwear down. She bent at her side, shoulder against his chest obliging him to ease off just enough so she could push the fabric down her legs to kick it off. While she was there, she helped him with his, too. Then she laid back down and took a breath right as she met his gaze.

He was so beautiful. Anything worthy that he saw in her could only be a reflection of his light, overflowing and rolling back on him. He seemed to love like he wasn't afraid of being hurt. To give of himself with no concern for who should deserve it. She saw the best of humanity in him. A god's love was possessive, selective, back-breaking. His earthly aspect outshone whatever divine gifts came of his god side. He was whole without them; for someone out there to prize him for his powers reduced him to spare parts. There was frightfully little she wouldn't do to protect him from that. ]

Don't say anything. [ she murmured, palms smoothing along his sides and gently over his ribs. Jess was afraid of being hurt -- not by him, but by memories of someone who thought he loved her. It strained her heart and spurred its beating to be this tender and to look him in the eye. Words could push her over the edge, into the past he was trying to take her away from. She wanted to be as good as him. To believe that there was a time in her life when she was capable of it. ] Just my name, if you want.

[ A hand slipped between them to cradle his cheek and pull softly, insisting on another kiss. ]

[ As angry as she could look outwardly--angry, annoyed, frustrated, irritated--Shadow always saw more. Sure, she had grated his nerves at first meeting with how Jessica ordered him when needing his help. That annoyance was short lived. She defied his belief that New Yorkers were selfish and self absorbed.

She'd been in a state because there was a kid's life in jeopardy. It was a case she was paid for but there wasn't the slightest doubt in his mind (or heart) that she'd follow through without payment. From that moment, no matter what exterior she put up, he knew better.

There were glimpses of someone who tried keeping everyone at a distance but not because she wanted to shield herself. Shadow knew that before she ever uttered the words. He knew it better than he knew himself. It was a love his mother had without him knowing, only she kept him close and it was everyone else in the world she kept at a distance.

It hurt to think of the reasons why now as an adult, believing so long as a child that it'd been solely to travel the world. Their journey ended in New York City half his life ago. Oddly enough, his life started again in the city that he swore to write off. More than Jessica, he grew fond of others who seemed to gravitate to him too.

He needed to be careful. His father wasn't the thoughtful type in the least. Yet telling Jessica the truth hadn't isolated him. She supported him, asking questions about his safety. Shadow was ready to say things she couldn't yet hear but probably saw in his eyes. ]

Jessica. [ He uttered huskily when she gave him permission to say her name. The simple utterance of her name said with more warmth than anyone might think possible. It wasn't a surprise that she pulled him into a kiss than have to deal with Shadow looking at her as if she was the the only person on the planet who mattered at all.

Neither was it a surprise when he gave in and kissed her after saying her name. Shadow had all the patience while Jess was more shortfused. In fact, he was pretty sure his patience annoyed her at times. It didn't matter, he kissed her until there wasn't any taste but hers.

She could flip him with her strength; it wouldn't be the first or the last, but she seemed to tolerate his languid touch and kiss. He wanted to savor the moment and maybe have her forget the bad dream she'd had. His hips swayed and rocked to tease between their legs, a hand moving to her thighs one at a time and leaving them on the outside of his hips. ]

IC INBOX + OPEN POST / memes, psl, etc.

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