underachievement | IC INBOX + OPEN POST / memes, psl, etc.

I'm not really sure. I think so. [ He answered quietly, unsure what to make of Jessica in the moment. Shadow couldn't her body language or the cadence of her speech. She wasn't saying much but she was engaged in the conversation. Instead of watching her, he poured himself more to drink. ] I thought about snow once and made it snow. I could feel something bad was gonna happen then Laura died. I saw her once. Closing my eyes, I could see her where she was in my mind...

[ As he thought about her question, memories flooded him. His eyes looked to the floor as he remained pensive. Shadow had set the bottle back down and kept the freshly poured glass between his hands. ] ...I was better just a day after the lynching. I've never really been sick. Never broke a bone. [ He turned his head to face Jessica and held a questioning look, facially expressing that this had been the first he thought of it. ]

I walked away from an actual trainwreck.

[ So he was hardy, like her. Hardier, possibly, falling somewhere between her and Luke. And he had mental abilities, which had to have been harder to detect and confirm in himself. If fully-fledged gods couldn't directly manipulate peoples' minds, it was almost certain he couldn't either. Jess didn't think he would abuse the power, if he did have it, but he could make some grievous mistakes. She was glad she had headed off that fear with her first question. ]

Maybe there's something you can do that no one else can, even him. Or something he's afraid to do. [ Which wasn't a burden Shadow chose to carry. It wasn't his responsibility to figure it out, and Jess didn't know if she, herself, wanted him to. She was in no position to help him sharpen his powers. As much as it could strengthen his defenses against his father, it could also lead him right to him.

To compensate for her crappy skills of emotional support, she rubbed down his back, and up, slowly. Nothing she could say could improve his situation so she probably should stop talking altogether. ]

[ There was an uncanny truth to what Jessica suggested. He could feel it to his core. Wednesday rarely got his hands dirty, using others to do that work for him. Mad Sweeney, Djinn, and Shadow had all been the Allfather's latest hired help. One was now dead at the hands of another. Shadow looked to Jess after drinking half his glass again.

He was quickly on the road of getting drunk again. ] I've seen him affect the weather so that's not it. He doesn't seem to ever be in a shit storm so he probably sees it coming. [ Suddenly there was a sharp realization; Wednesday could probably see where he was. Shadow froze. Not even the touch on his back consoled him. ]

I shouldn't be here. He probably already knows where I am. Shit!

[ If he could think clearly, Shadow might remember how Odin obtained information. Someone was at his disposal to give it to him whether his ravens or another old god. 'Like father, like son' only went to a certain extent but his shoulders slumped in defeat as he didn't think the notion out thoroughly. ]</small.

[ His alarm made her heart race, leaving her mostly ignorant to the relief that he didn't immediately dart off the bed to start packing. ]

Then why hasn't he made a move? [ There were two reasons she could think of: He didn't have the manpower to take on both Jess and Shadow (and was perhaps gathering it), or he was waiting for Jess to become precious enough to Shadow that his father could threaten her safety for leverage. The latter seemed overreaching. Shadow cared for her a foolish amount even before she gave him a place to crash.

The third option was that his father didn't know. But the guy sounded pretty powerful and Shadow hadn't gone into his limitations. Assuming the worst was more prudent than thinking positively. ]

Because... [ The word left him as if he had a definitive answer but just trailed off into nothing. Shadow looked at the glass in hand for a long moment. He should pack up and go. Laura had been killed because of him, it was irresponsible to put Jessica in jeopardy.

His brown eyes didn't leave the glass, staring at the material and not the contents visible through the transparent surface. ] ...I'm wrong. He's got one eye. Lost one with his death trying to obtain knowledge or something. I think you're right. I can do what he can't. He can't see us, not by his own power.

[ Shadow turned to look at Jessica, a desperate expression remained on his face although he concluded that they weren't seen by Wednesday. His thoughts were along the lines of hers; contemplating that Grimnir might just be biding his time to put a plan in effect to get his defecting son back. Hadn't that been the story he'd told Shadow about his other son?

Yet if he slowed down with the booze then Shadow would've remembered his own powers. If they were in imminent danger, he should have the premonition as he had with Laura. ]

[ She finished her drink as he worked through his panic. Emptied, she bent forward to set it on the ground and nudged it under the bed so neither of them would trip over it. As she straightened back up, she pulled loose strands of hair back with a hooked finger. ]

Okay. [ Jess breathed, holding his gaze to impart a sense of solidarity. Her hand came to settle on the back of his neck, her thumb swiping back and forth over his skin. ] Then we're safe for tonight.

[ Instead of bolstering, she heard resignation in her voice. She wished she could reassure him beyond that, tell him he was secure in this place and not only this time. But maybe her apartment wasn't the safest hole in the wall for him. If that was the case, she would have to find a safer one for him. She cared too much for him to kick him to the curb and let him figure it out alone. ]

[ He watched Jessica in a way someone less feeling would probably consider pathetic. A lost puppy, lonely and scared. His eyes focused with a history of being left behind or betrayed. Yet he couldn't begrudge someone wanting to survive and not be in the crosshairs of a shit storm that had nothing to do with them.

But she didn't tell him to get lost or even speak as if he were on his own. "We're safe" ...Shadow couldn't eloquently put into words what it meant not to be alone. He'd made it through prison with the belief his wife would be there at the end. He'd been happy having a domestic life unlike she'd been. He didn't think of Laura once while around Jessica unless the subject came up as it had tonight.

His eyes closed at the touch of Jessica's hand of her hand. The arm closest to her moved around to wrap around her form as his torso twisted. It was tempting to just lift her onto his lap but Shadow hadn't turned to hold her as something sexual. Not that he'd object at all if it went there, it just wasn't his intention. He wanted to embrace her for a moment and verify that she was real. ]

[ Obligingly, Jess nocked her head on his shoulder and embraced him. It taxed him considerably to confront everything he'd shared. He looked wrung out and sad. It was no small feat that she'd found the right words to mollify him any sense of accomplishment was too weak to reach her heart. The most that she could claim to have done was not make the experience worse for him.

She was always quick to end a hug. She let him dictate the length of this one, contented by the liquor to stay as long he liked it to go on. He was warm, soft and solid all at once, and it was comforting to be held by him, paradoxically because he wasn't doing it for the benefit of her comfort. ]

[ His face nestled just enough at the crook of her neck to leave a tender kiss after holding her for a long moment. Long enough to breathe easily again. He glowed in a way that possibly lit up the room if he wasn't blind to it. Jessica filled a void in him better than Laura ever had, if he thought of his once wife at all while holding Jones.

The truth was that Laura tolerated him at best. She believed he loved her and relied on him to love her enough for the both of them. Nobody believed in him the way his mother had. Wednesday believed in him the way his wife had; to suit his needs. The woman Shadow held onto supported him without any self-interest.

Shadow took a long breath that puffed out his chest in the process. It picked up his slumped shoulders from the look of defeat. The kiss at her neck was out of appreciation as was how his temple nudged the side of her head. He straightened but didn't pull away from Jessica. The hand that had wrapped around her, fell to the bed she sat on. ]

You didn't say if you hate the lamps or the bed. [ He tried to tease lightly in an effort to break the somber mood he'd set with his confession. ]

[ At first, she was dejected that he stopped at one kiss. Quickly, she concluded that it was for the best they didn't have sex tonight. He was raw, and it might be emotional for him. More emotional than usual. Which already nearly exceeded her tolerance.

Her hands fell down his back. One remained and the other came to rest at her side. Jess had all but forgotten about the furniture debacle. She looked over her shoulder at the lamp and shrugged. ]

I'll get used to it. [ She joked softly. The conversation had tired her out, too. Forming an opinion over something so trivial would be effort. It would come to her naturally, the next time she was in the limbo between waking up and having her first cup of coffee.

She wanted to fall back on the mattress and fall asleep right there. Fortunately, all the whiskey she'd drunk urged her to use her last reserves of energy to empty her bladder first. Jess sighed slowly, briefly touching her temple to Shadow's shoulder. ]

I'm gonna brush my teeth and shit before I pass out right here. [ The thought crossed her mind to ask him if he wanted a glass of water... but he could get it himself. Jess pushed off the bed, scooped her glass up off the floor, and held her hand out for his (as well as the whiskey bottle). ]

Sounds promising. [ He shot back only to realize how stupid he sounded. Not even his smile would make up for it, knowing it wasn't fully there. Confiding in her lifted some of the weight on his shoulders but it made him relive some of his darkest moments.

That wasn't any fault of Jessica's. He wanted her to know what she was getting into by allowing him to stay with her. Most of all, he wanted her safe even if she insisted there was no future between them.

Instead of giving her his glass, Shadow took the one out of her hand. ] I've got it.

[ He motioned toward the bathroom with his head. Sleep made sense. She'd been up early and gone most of the day. He'd disclosed a lot, enough to wear himself down. It was safe to assume that she was drained too.

Yet he had no plans to sleep, the least he could was take care of their glasses.

Shadow didn't leave but set her glass down next to his on the nightstand then bent over to unlace his footwear. He stepped out of them then did the same with his socks, grabbing both before finally standing and setting them next to his bag in the corner of the room. Next was the shirt he was wearing. One hand reached behind his head and pulled a handful from the back of his head. He let it fall on top of the bag before pulling off the belt from his jeans. The denim clung to his hips after the accessory was removed. Idly, he wrapped the leather around his hand that gripped the buckle, neatly rolling up the belt before bending down then sitting it on top.

Hopefully Jessica would get some rest under the guise that he was going to sleep too. ]

[ Jess relinquished her glass and scuffed the floor on her way out of bedroom. In all honesty, it wasn't like her to clean up after shared drinks, but he'd made her room so spotless, it seemed like the right thing to do. She was only going to leave the glasses in the sink and the bottle right beside it, so hopefully he wouldn't go to any more effort than that. As soon as her back was to him, she was too in her own head to attune her senses to the noise of him moving about the apartment -- or not moving about, such as he wasn't.

In the bathroom, she ran the sink and squeezed toothpaste onto her toothbrush. Avoiding her reflection didn't spare her any introspection as her eyes fixed on Shadow's toothbrush, left in the cup.

As soon as a fear sprang up, she drowned it out by berating herself for her useless thoughts. If she was afraid, she should tell him to leave, and if she wasn't going to do that, what point was there to letting her mind run worried laps? This isn't about you, Jones.

Jess sighed through her nose and resumed going through the motions. She shucked off her boots and jeans before sitting down on the toilet, multitasking as much as humanly possible. After a piss and a flush, then a spit and rinse, she was ready to go to bed in the same shirt she'd worn all day.

She had no reason to doubt that Shadow was just as drowsy as she was. He warned her before she got home that he might doze off, didn't he? She wouldn't be surprised if he was quietly snoring when she walked back into the room. While that wasn't the case, he nonetheless looked fit for sleep. Jess gave a weak smile as she shut the light off and crossed to the bed. Under the blanket, she tucked herself in alongside him, pillowing her head on his shoulder. ]

Thanks, [ she murmured, because saying this also felt like the right thing to do, though she was waiting on hindsight in order to actually feel grateful, ] for telling me.

[ Of course he didn't just leave the two glasses in the sink. It didn't take but a minute to wash them and left the kitchen clean for breakfast in the morning. He drank a little water while at the sink, swishing it around then spitting it out. Shadow would normally have the same routine that Jessica had in the bathroom but he wanted to give her space aside from having pretty much done it before she got home.

Home.

It was hers shared with him and it seemed that Jessica wanted to continue that way. In the morning, he'd put his clothes back in the broken drawer and the far corner of the closet. The bag he'd been living out of had been empty under her bed until they texted about him coming clean. Shadow hoped for the best but planned for the worst.

He was glad to have been wrong, happy to unpack his bag again.

Shadow had gotten out of his jeans and left them on top of the pile. He rested on his back as she often found him. Jessica usually used his arm for a pillow but he needed her a little closer. ] Thanks for listening and believing me.

[ His arm moved up and under her head, giving Jessica the pocket between his shoulder and chest to rest on. Shadow leaned in and gave her lips a proper soft kiss goodnight. They had more passionate kisses between them but it didn't feel right in the moment. She had listened and believed him but he knew she was still processing it all. He could feel it. His head fell back on the pillow.

Quietly, he looked at the shadows that filtered in from the street lights on the ceiling of the dark room. It seemed like an eternity before his mind settled enough for sleep to overtake him. ]

[ It took her a long time to relax. In her head, she threw together a sloppy pseudo-mantra out of the facts he'd given her. When her thoughts strayed to her past, she gracelessly corrected them. After hearing the word "Wednesday" three or four times, it occurred to her what god Shadow was dealing with.

Could the Avengers help him? Would they even want to? Thor was barely even a member. He spent his time everywhere but Earth and who could blame him. Whether he got help or not, Shadow would end up on a government list for the rest of his life, if he wasn't locked up in a facility for monitoring and weaponizing. No, they couldn't go to the heroes with this, unless they'd exhausted every resort including the last and whatever was buried underneath the last.

Back to the facts. God dad. Human mom. Zombie wife.

Eventually, she wore herself out with mental repetition and the struggle to keep it on course. Her last thoughts before sleep were unfettered and sinisterly personal, pouring over with doubt and regret. Then came a stretch of blissful darkness that was both long and too short. She wasn't aware of it until it had ended and she was at the mercy of her dreams.

She was standing on the stage of the nightclub where Luke was forced to try and kill her. The floor was flooded with dark water up to the stage's edge, and absent below the surface. It was black and deep and it smelled salty. She was alone except for her reflection, which stood out in a shock of bright yellow. Jess recognized the dress she was wearing but, somehow, not that she was wearing it.

Another breath and she would jump. Below the water, everyone would be safe. But no matter how much time passed, and how badly she wanted to, she didn't move. Alone, she blamed herself. This had to a decision she was making, even though she knew everyone was going to suffer for it. Frustrated tears started to roll down her face and dampen her dress in tiny speckles. It got hard to see through them. It got harder to breathe and so her chance to jump got further and further away. Behind her, someone spoke her name. Feet rooted, Jess turned at the waist and stared blearily down two dark barrels.

She woke up right as the shotgun went off. ]

Jess... Jessica.

[ He'd drifted off to sleep finally, having counted over a hundred as the shadows slowly shifted on her ceiling. Exhaustion kicked in while he closed his eyes and focused on her breathing instead of his own. Only as he succumbed to sleep did he think about how often he'd fallen asleep to the sound of her breaths.

There were times she didn't utter a word in greeting when Jessica came through the door and they were tangled up physically in that silence. Other times, she slipped into bed while he was sound asleep and her body aligned perfectly next to his.

His thoughts wouldn't take hold. Dreams? Shadow wasn't sure what his mind had been up to. Had he been simply just replaying past memories or was it a dream he'd been having?

Only when Jessica felt stiff and heavy in his arms did every image in his mind come to a screeching halt. If the weight of her body hadn't started to pull him from sleep, her sudden jolt definitely did the trick. His mouth felt dry but he smacked his lips to fight off the dryness. ] Baby, what's wrong?

[ Hoarsely, he continued to call for Jessica. Shadow was careful not to restrain her or smother her. Her strength could send him crashing into the wall. He was careful not to run the callused parts of his hands over her skin, attempting a soft caress to coax her into answering him. ]

[ At the call of her name, she confused dreams with reality. Was he the one holding the gun? It would explain why it scared her, when the end result was the same as if she drowned herself. If he had been made to kill her then she didn't want to die. She wanted to fall back into the dream and wrench the gun out of his hands. Conversely, she also wanted to wake up, but was too exhausted to manage on her own.

Shadow helped her. He kept talking, in a voice laden with sleep that was a finer detail than her brain could conjure. Jess cursed unintelligibly, turning towards him as she'd come to sleep on her back. Her eyes blinked open, her vision a hazy flood of dim streetlight. ]

Shadow? [ She hadn't quite caught what he'd asked her so instead she implored him for further assurance of his presence. Her hand splayed where she felt warmth and she gripped him gently, though she couldn't tell where. ] I... [ 'm sorry, she stopped herself from saying. She was sorry, for this and many more things, and incapable of partitioning the apology properly. Better not loose it at all, than to lose control of it and herself. ]

[ Her hand was over the side of his abdomen where his rib cage ended. He didn't think anything of it, turning further into Jessica at the touch. ] Yeah, it's me.

[ Hopefully his sleep filled voice registered to her. Not having brushed his teeth before bed, maybe his breath aided in recognizing him. Shadow didn't give any of that actual thought. He worried with trying to give Jessica her bearings.

He couldn't help think that what he'd shared earlier with her were the cause for her nightmare. She hadn't disclosed having one but the signs were all there. ] I'm right here. I've got you. [ He continued to talk as hadn't said more than his name clearly. ]

[ Okay. He was there. And she had to get a hold of herself before she accidentally hurt him or caused him any more concern. Jess fixed her eyes on a blank spot on the wall and leveled out her breathing using a pattern given to her by a professional a long time ago. It sounded loud in her head and to her ears, and it gave away too much, if he knew anything about panic attacks.

After a couple minutes, which felt three times as long to her, she steadied herself and resumed normal, thoughtless breaths. She was still tired, sure that if she shut her eyes she would fall back asleep. It was tempting, just to get away from the situation. She blinked heavily. Sighed heavily, too.

By way of (calculated, controlled) apology, she muttered, ] Should've had more to drink.

I probably should've. [ It didn't matter to him whether or not she had meant herself or him. His heart pounded a mile a minute in his chest, worried for her and worried that what he confessed had been the reason for her bad dream.

Shadow wasn't sure if he wanted too much too soon. Wasn't it better to be up front rather than prolong the inevitable? He knew Jessica had her demons but was sure they didn't come close to what he'd just thrown on her doorstep.

If he cared about her, maybe the right call was to leave her rather than drag her into the disaster that was his life. In the weeks that he'd stayed with her, what had he offered her? Cleaning, company and cash--the latter that he was sure she kept tossing back into his things. He kissed tenderly into her hair at the top of her head. ] Do you want me to get you anything?

[ Shadow had yet to move away. One arm had moved under the pillow her head was on, pulling Jessica closer. The other rested over her arm that had reached out for him. ]

[ It was almost unprecedented for Jess to have someone there when she woke up from a nightmare (or to wake her up from one; she couldn't be sure which was the case and would be mortified to ask). In their long tenure living together, Trish was uniquely privy to that defect of hers. Jess's other relationships were all short enough that her boyfriends lucked out and never had to deal with it. However, several of those relationships were longer than she'd yet known Shadow. Something to pore over later.

So she wasn't used to the clinginess that overcame her, a strong physical urge to keep him close. That, too, would be mortifying if expressed. She refused to give into it. ]

Whiskey. No glass, just the bottle. [ Her grip turned slack and she withdrew her arm from him. Had she been holding on that tightly the entire time? Jesus. ]

[ He nudged her head back with his own. The hand that had offered a comforting touch behind her, moved to cradle her face. Whether or not Jessica met his gaze, Shadow looked at her face for a moment then leaned in and pressed a soft kiss at her mouth.

It was brief but necessary before he left her on the bed even if it was just a minute. ] I'll be right back.

[ No, it wasn't like her to cling onto him but Shadow wouldn't utter a word. Neither would he push her to talk about what was wrong. He still carried guilt over what he'd laid on her. His gait was long, barely thirty seconds passed before he returned with the requested bottle.

He twisted the top off and took a few gulps before handing it to her then getting back in bed. ]

[ Her brow knit pleadingly with the kiss, and to hide it, her head turned away as it broke. Her mussed hair made for a thick, dark curtain to obscure her face. It fell in front of it naturally as pushed herself up on her palms, then repositioned the pillows to cushion her back. She was able to sit up, albeit at a very lazy angle.

Out of habit, she pushed her hair back. She thought about shaking it forward again but denied herself the crutch. Jess bellowed a deep sigh. She straightened her side of the blanket across her, then stared into the vacant sheet exposed by Shadow's side. She was tempted to reach out and feel the warmth there.

It burdened her with an inkling of how he must feel whenever he woke up and she was gone. ]

I want to be with you, Jessica. Not just sex. I like the sex but I also like talking about what happened during the day. I like watching you devour what I make to eat. You waking me up when I fall asleep on the couch so I come to bed with you. Carrying you to bed when you fall asleep. I like going to sleep with you in my arms and waking up with you there. Or being able to still catch your scent on the bed when I miss you leaving before I wake up...

[ Shadow felt more nervous about what he just confessed than anything he'd said previously. He remained close to her, yet allowing Jessica room to drink or sit without being smothered. One hand propped up his head while the other rested on her leg closest to him as he spoke. ]

...I love all that but if you don't... [ His thumb rubbed over where it rested on her leg. He looked to it for a moment then returned his gaze to her face. Shadow looked like a kicked puppy but spoke with certainty. ] ...If all that isn't worth having to look over your shoulder because of the shit storm that's my life, I understand. If you decide tomorrow or in a week, I'll understand.

[ It was difficult seeing her shaken. Shadow didn't look with pity or guilt. He kept his eyes fixed on her face, looking at her vulnerably and tenderly all at once. ]

[ Jess drank as soon as the bottle was in her hand, chugging down every drop they'd neglected to share earlier. Relief hit her almost immediately, from the ritual associations if nothing else. The alcohol seeped into her blood more gradually and was well suffused by the time he finished talking. Over the course of her intoxication, his words turned from blocky strings of syllables to seamless smeared strokes on the air, pretty like a painting. His hand on her leg was as smooth as fine bristles on an artist's brush.

She laid her hand overtop of it. ]

It's not that I'm scared. I am, but that's... something else. Goddamn-- [ PTSD. She might have the liquid courage to talk about it but she lacked the energy, still. It was too much to tell, too long and twisted a story. Her head flagged to the side while she regarded him, his eyes so bright in the dimness of the room. ] It's that -- I choose to stay with you, that's my choice. If anything happens to me, then I knew it could happen.

Everyone I know, that I lost, it was my fault, and I don't want that, for you, you know? That's all. [ She lost eloquence towards the end, perhaps not communicating what she meant to. ]

[ Her hand soothed him. It had felt as if Jessica was deciding on whether or not to pull away. The touch told him otherwise. So did her words when she finally spoke.

Hearing her admit to being scared, gutted him. Shadow swore he'd been the cause until she continued a little more. The empathy he felt nearly suffocated him. Jessica had talked about losing people without ever going into detail. He never pushed for more, feeling it was something she should share on her terms.

He took the bottle that she emptied and reached back to sit it on the nightstand behind him.

Shadow was used to her draining a bottle, particularly when she was having a bad day. He figured what he'd told her qualified. Yet maybe it wasn't what he shared but her own demons that she had just alluded to.

His body moved to line up his face with hers, remaining inches apart. ]

It's settled. We stick together and nothing happens to either of us. [ Shadow leaned in and kissed Jessica tenderly, lingering more at her lips than he'd done all night. She could pull back or push him away but he poured his affection for her in the contact. ]

IC INBOX + OPEN POST / memes, psl, etc.

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