underachievement | IC INBOX + OPEN POST / memes, psl, etc.

[ He flinched as she started to move, expecting the worst. It was more than a tolerant person would probably be able to handle. Jess was guarded. He couldn't blame her for wanting to get away from him. But she didn't. He took a breath as she didn't move off the bed and took her hand. Not so much to hold her from leaving, she had every right. The grasp was an effort to be supportive. Appreciative. Maybe even to ground him in everything he confessed. ]

I don't know. She has before. It was some time after the funeral that I saw her. She'd been looking for me. I don't think she knew about Wednesday then. This was more recent. She asked if I'd stop her from killing him. I told her it's a free country. Haven't seen her since but she said some other stuff before that. I...

[ His eyes fell to her hand for a moment then picked back up. There was an apology on his face, sorry for all the baggage that came with him. ] ...I'm not sure how she'll take me being with someone else. Even though she cheated on me twice. Laura has her own agenda. She's got strength like you. The last that I saw her, she also had some magic done where the decay reversed. [ Shadow took a breath. ]

That's pretty much all of it.

[ Cheated on him twice. Well, fuck. She couldn't very well pawn her feelings of worthlessness off on Corpse Bride then, could she? They were both shitty partners. Jess ought to tell him what she had done to Luke prior to shooting him in the head but it seemed wrong to make his moment of vulnerability about her.

At least he was done. There was enough that she couldn't unpack it in a single night. It would take days of on-and-off thinking, driving herself to conclusions and stumbling into them blindly. She upended the remains of her whiskey down her throat, swallowed and swiped her tongue across her lips.

There was one thing she needed to know here and now. ]

These... gods, can they make you do things? I mean, really force -- get into your head, puppet you around.

No. It's not like that. They show you favor if you worship them. They crave worship. Need it. Without followers, they die. If any of them could control a person then there wouldn't be a war.

[ He set his glass on the table closest to him then took her empty glass and set it next to his, all the while Shadow never lost eye contact. Any question that Jessica had, he'd gladly answer. The conversation wasn't supposed to be his unburdening yet in a way it was. He didn't expect anyone on the outside to believe him, let alone understand. Jess looked as if she was trying to. ]

[ That was what it sounded like to her but she had to be sure. Where her own safety was concerned, she wasn't afraid of much. She had the will to live through a lot. But not that again. She told Trish she'd die before she let that happen and it was as now as it was then.

Jess breathed out shakily and gave an inert nod. ]

Okay. [ She focused back on him, not having realized her stare had pierced through him as he answered, on some indefinable point beyond. ] It's a lot of shit.

[ He watched her quietly for a second as she took a shaky breath. Shadow couldn't guess at what she was thinking. He held a breath until her second comment, letting it go then taking in another deep one. He nodded silently. ]

So you see, you can't worry about something bad happening to me. I've got that all covered.

[ His tone might have held a light tease but his face told another story. He worried, more about her safety than whether or not Jessica still wanted to be with him. Shadow would never forgive himself if anything happened to her. Even with everything that Laura had done, he still held a similar concern. ]

[ That was something. Maybe. Long after he'd squeezed hers, she squeezed his hand back. Danger on two fronts didn't cancel one another out. She couldn't protect him from the threats in his life when she could barely manage the blowback in hers. ]

You want more to drink? I do. [ Jess rose from the bed, slipping her hand out from his. She rested it briefly on his shoulder as she left, an assurance that she wouldn't be gone long, and wasn't leaving to avoid or abandon him. ]

Yeah, sure. [ He answered reflexively, understanding the need for more alcohol with everything he'd told her.

Shadow also could use the mild sedation that liquor provided. Everything he shared was a trip down memory lane that plagued his sleep from time to time. Jessica hadn't complained or questioned the nights he woke up in a sweat and on edge. Not that they were frequent in her company. In fact, nightmares had a tendency of occurring when he'd fallen asleep without her--something he hadn't told her and had no plans to do so. None of it was her burden to carry.

Would she question anything? What he shared? What he hadn't? Did she want to talk about any of it or file it all away for another time? He took weeks to believe half the things he'd told her, it wasn't right to put Jessica on the spot. Patiently, he waited for her to return. ]

[ There was a number of conclusions she would arrive at later, after her brain had time to breathe. One was that Wednesday was Odin, going by etymology. Another was that he'd given her insight into what shook him from sleep in the night. Jess hadn't asked because it was inevitable that she'd experience her own nightmare beside him, as long as they shared a bed, and she wouldn't appreciate receiving questions of what or why.

She had a minute or two of mental respite to enact, tops. Jess located the bottle right away but nonetheless paused once she had it in her hand. Seconds ticked by in which he could believe she was still searching. Her gaze fell on the whiskey label while she focused on nothing. Trying to order what Shadow had told her was futile chaos. The best she could do was remember and repeat it to herself, cementing it as real. Jess took a bracing swig from the bottle and headed back, crossing the bedroom threshold as she topped up her glass. ]

Okay. God dad. Human mom. Zombie wife. A war over worshippers, that you're somehow supposed to help with. [ She rattled off what was in the process of sinking in. It did actually help her pick out one question from the tangled myriad of them. She held the bottle over his glass to pour his refill, resuming her seat beside him. ] How?

[ Oddly, her string of accurate statements agitated the mix of emotions swirling within. Wednesday was not someone that Shadow could ever think of as a dad, even after hearing the man repeatedly talk about having a son. He had the nerve to even tell Shadow how he reminded him of said son.

Human mom. Humanity was something his mother had always urged him to be patient with, kind to, protective of ...even when he was treated in the opposite manner. A part of him believed the description was accurate while another felt that it held the connotation of her being among the living.

The opposite could be said about the woman he'd taken as a wife. No fault of Jessica, Shadow had said as much with his description. Yet it held a different kind of sting than the two mentioned before Laura. He didn't have a way to describe the feeling other than 'uncomfortable' at hearing his current romantic interest talk about his former.

Shadow didn't think Jessica meant to hurt him with what she said but it stung all the same.

He wouldn't take the descriptions as an insult or gospel. She had a way of being direct that was refreshing after time spent with both Laura and Wednesday. However, it wasn't as if Shadow didn't have to guess where he stood with Jessica. It just wasn't a guessing game as it seemed to be with the other two.

Shadow shook the thoughts from his mind, not wanting to think more about anyone but the woman to his side. He picked up the freshly poured bourbon and swallowed down half the glass before answering. ]

I don't know. [ He uttered quietly, not recognizing that his shoulders slumped and his torso slouched while sitting in thought. Shadow straightened. He rested the glass of bourbon on one knee while his free hand rested on the same are of his opposite leg. His eyes stared at the amber liquid. ] I just know I play a part since he's gone through ridiculous lengths to have me around.

He hired me as his bodyguard. In that timeframe, I've been lynched and hung on a tree where I somehow got freed. Witnessed him suddenly decapitate an old friend of his. Ended up taken in by cops where the entire station was slaughtered and I subsequently was stabbed by a tree. We became the subject of a manhunt but not because of the cops, because of Mr World and the other new gods. Then I ended up killing an old god who turned on Wednesday before the trip into The World Tree where I learned the truth about who I am. ...It's all so fucked.

[ So much for not dumping more on her plate. Shadow finished his newly poured drink and held onto the empty glass. ]

[ Jess didn't share her story because she was of the opinion that someone always had it worse than her. And apparently that someone was Shadow Moon. Any individual event he described was enough to make a person wonder what the point of living was anymore; so many of them happening to the same person, consecutively or overlapping, made the fact that he was willfully alive (without the crutch of a debilitating addiction) the most credulity-straining aspect of it all.

She laid her hand on his back as he talked and she drank. The precinct he mentioned brought back the memory of one she'd been in that nearly ended up the same way. Officers frozen still, guns pointed at each other's heads, ready to fire if she made a move against the persuasive stranger in the purple suit. Sometimes she regretted choosing not to, despite what it would have cost. There would have been footage that couldn't be denied. Hope would be alive. Possibly free.

Even with the benefit of hindsight she never would have done it. Admirable to some, perhaps. To her, it was another stick of kindling on the pyre of her self-loathing.

Rinsing her brain with a swig of whiskey, her voice was low and even when she spoke. To the point that her question barely held an inflection. ] Do you have any abilities? Powers?

I'm not really sure. I think so. [ He answered quietly, unsure what to make of Jessica in the moment. Shadow couldn't her body language or the cadence of her speech. She wasn't saying much but she was engaged in the conversation. Instead of watching her, he poured himself more to drink. ] I thought about snow once and made it snow. I could feel something bad was gonna happen then Laura died. I saw her once. Closing my eyes, I could see her where she was in my mind...

[ As he thought about her question, memories flooded him. His eyes looked to the floor as he remained pensive. Shadow had set the bottle back down and kept the freshly poured glass between his hands. ] ...I was better just a day after the lynching. I've never really been sick. Never broke a bone. [ He turned his head to face Jessica and held a questioning look, facially expressing that this had been the first he thought of it. ]

I walked away from an actual trainwreck.

[ So he was hardy, like her. Hardier, possibly, falling somewhere between her and Luke. And he had mental abilities, which had to have been harder to detect and confirm in himself. If fully-fledged gods couldn't directly manipulate peoples' minds, it was almost certain he couldn't either. Jess didn't think he would abuse the power, if he did have it, but he could make some grievous mistakes. She was glad she had headed off that fear with her first question. ]

Maybe there's something you can do that no one else can, even him. Or something he's afraid to do. [ Which wasn't a burden Shadow chose to carry. It wasn't his responsibility to figure it out, and Jess didn't know if she, herself, wanted him to. She was in no position to help him sharpen his powers. As much as it could strengthen his defenses against his father, it could also lead him right to him.

To compensate for her crappy skills of emotional support, she rubbed down his back, and up, slowly. Nothing she could say could improve his situation so she probably should stop talking altogether. ]

[ There was an uncanny truth to what Jessica suggested. He could feel it to his core. Wednesday rarely got his hands dirty, using others to do that work for him. Mad Sweeney, Djinn, and Shadow had all been the Allfather's latest hired help. One was now dead at the hands of another. Shadow looked to Jess after drinking half his glass again.

He was quickly on the road of getting drunk again. ] I've seen him affect the weather so that's not it. He doesn't seem to ever be in a shit storm so he probably sees it coming. [ Suddenly there was a sharp realization; Wednesday could probably see where he was. Shadow froze. Not even the touch on his back consoled him. ]

I shouldn't be here. He probably already knows where I am. Shit!

[ If he could think clearly, Shadow might remember how Odin obtained information. Someone was at his disposal to give it to him whether his ravens or another old god. 'Like father, like son' only went to a certain extent but his shoulders slumped in defeat as he didn't think the notion out thoroughly. ]</small.

[ His alarm made her heart race, leaving her mostly ignorant to the relief that he didn't immediately dart off the bed to start packing. ]

Then why hasn't he made a move? [ There were two reasons she could think of: He didn't have the manpower to take on both Jess and Shadow (and was perhaps gathering it), or he was waiting for Jess to become precious enough to Shadow that his father could threaten her safety for leverage. The latter seemed overreaching. Shadow cared for her a foolish amount even before she gave him a place to crash.

The third option was that his father didn't know. But the guy sounded pretty powerful and Shadow hadn't gone into his limitations. Assuming the worst was more prudent than thinking positively. ]

Because... [ The word left him as if he had a definitive answer but just trailed off into nothing. Shadow looked at the glass in hand for a long moment. He should pack up and go. Laura had been killed because of him, it was irresponsible to put Jessica in jeopardy.

His brown eyes didn't leave the glass, staring at the material and not the contents visible through the transparent surface. ] ...I'm wrong. He's got one eye. Lost one with his death trying to obtain knowledge or something. I think you're right. I can do what he can't. He can't see us, not by his own power.

[ Shadow turned to look at Jessica, a desperate expression remained on his face although he concluded that they weren't seen by Wednesday. His thoughts were along the lines of hers; contemplating that Grimnir might just be biding his time to put a plan in effect to get his defecting son back. Hadn't that been the story he'd told Shadow about his other son?

Yet if he slowed down with the booze then Shadow would've remembered his own powers. If they were in imminent danger, he should have the premonition as he had with Laura. ]

[ She finished her drink as he worked through his panic. Emptied, she bent forward to set it on the ground and nudged it under the bed so neither of them would trip over it. As she straightened back up, she pulled loose strands of hair back with a hooked finger. ]

Okay. [ Jess breathed, holding his gaze to impart a sense of solidarity. Her hand came to settle on the back of his neck, her thumb swiping back and forth over his skin. ] Then we're safe for tonight.

[ Instead of bolstering, she heard resignation in her voice. She wished she could reassure him beyond that, tell him he was secure in this place and not only this time. But maybe her apartment wasn't the safest hole in the wall for him. If that was the case, she would have to find a safer one for him. She cared too much for him to kick him to the curb and let him figure it out alone. ]

[ He watched Jessica in a way someone less feeling would probably consider pathetic. A lost puppy, lonely and scared. His eyes focused with a history of being left behind or betrayed. Yet he couldn't begrudge someone wanting to survive and not be in the crosshairs of a shit storm that had nothing to do with them.

But she didn't tell him to get lost or even speak as if he were on his own. "We're safe" ...Shadow couldn't eloquently put into words what it meant not to be alone. He'd made it through prison with the belief his wife would be there at the end. He'd been happy having a domestic life unlike she'd been. He didn't think of Laura once while around Jessica unless the subject came up as it had tonight.

His eyes closed at the touch of Jessica's hand of her hand. The arm closest to her moved around to wrap around her form as his torso twisted. It was tempting to just lift her onto his lap but Shadow hadn't turned to hold her as something sexual. Not that he'd object at all if it went there, it just wasn't his intention. He wanted to embrace her for a moment and verify that she was real. ]

[ Obligingly, Jess nocked her head on his shoulder and embraced him. It taxed him considerably to confront everything he'd shared. He looked wrung out and sad. It was no small feat that she'd found the right words to mollify him any sense of accomplishment was too weak to reach her heart. The most that she could claim to have done was not make the experience worse for him.

She was always quick to end a hug. She let him dictate the length of this one, contented by the liquor to stay as long he liked it to go on. He was warm, soft and solid all at once, and it was comforting to be held by him, paradoxically because he wasn't doing it for the benefit of her comfort. ]

[ His face nestled just enough at the crook of her neck to leave a tender kiss after holding her for a long moment. Long enough to breathe easily again. He glowed in a way that possibly lit up the room if he wasn't blind to it. Jessica filled a void in him better than Laura ever had, if he thought of his once wife at all while holding Jones.

The truth was that Laura tolerated him at best. She believed he loved her and relied on him to love her enough for the both of them. Nobody believed in him the way his mother had. Wednesday believed in him the way his wife had; to suit his needs. The woman Shadow held onto supported him without any self-interest.

Shadow took a long breath that puffed out his chest in the process. It picked up his slumped shoulders from the look of defeat. The kiss at her neck was out of appreciation as was how his temple nudged the side of her head. He straightened but didn't pull away from Jessica. The hand that had wrapped around her, fell to the bed she sat on. ]

You didn't say if you hate the lamps or the bed. [ He tried to tease lightly in an effort to break the somber mood he'd set with his confession. ]

[ At first, she was dejected that he stopped at one kiss. Quickly, she concluded that it was for the best they didn't have sex tonight. He was raw, and it might be emotional for him. More emotional than usual. Which already nearly exceeded her tolerance.

Her hands fell down his back. One remained and the other came to rest at her side. Jess had all but forgotten about the furniture debacle. She looked over her shoulder at the lamp and shrugged. ]

I'll get used to it. [ She joked softly. The conversation had tired her out, too. Forming an opinion over something so trivial would be effort. It would come to her naturally, the next time she was in the limbo between waking up and having her first cup of coffee.

She wanted to fall back on the mattress and fall asleep right there. Fortunately, all the whiskey she'd drunk urged her to use her last reserves of energy to empty her bladder first. Jess sighed slowly, briefly touching her temple to Shadow's shoulder. ]

I'm gonna brush my teeth and shit before I pass out right here. [ The thought crossed her mind to ask him if he wanted a glass of water... but he could get it himself. Jess pushed off the bed, scooped her glass up off the floor, and held her hand out for his (as well as the whiskey bottle). ]

Sounds promising. [ He shot back only to realize how stupid he sounded. Not even his smile would make up for it, knowing it wasn't fully there. Confiding in her lifted some of the weight on his shoulders but it made him relive some of his darkest moments.

That wasn't any fault of Jessica's. He wanted her to know what she was getting into by allowing him to stay with her. Most of all, he wanted her safe even if she insisted there was no future between them.

Instead of giving her his glass, Shadow took the one out of her hand. ] I've got it.

[ He motioned toward the bathroom with his head. Sleep made sense. She'd been up early and gone most of the day. He'd disclosed a lot, enough to wear himself down. It was safe to assume that she was drained too.

Yet he had no plans to sleep, the least he could was take care of their glasses.

Shadow didn't leave but set her glass down next to his on the nightstand then bent over to unlace his footwear. He stepped out of them then did the same with his socks, grabbing both before finally standing and setting them next to his bag in the corner of the room. Next was the shirt he was wearing. One hand reached behind his head and pulled a handful from the back of his head. He let it fall on top of the bag before pulling off the belt from his jeans. The denim clung to his hips after the accessory was removed. Idly, he wrapped the leather around his hand that gripped the buckle, neatly rolling up the belt before bending down then sitting it on top.

Hopefully Jessica would get some rest under the guise that he was going to sleep too. ]

[ Jess relinquished her glass and scuffed the floor on her way out of bedroom. In all honesty, it wasn't like her to clean up after shared drinks, but he'd made her room so spotless, it seemed like the right thing to do. She was only going to leave the glasses in the sink and the bottle right beside it, so hopefully he wouldn't go to any more effort than that. As soon as her back was to him, she was too in her own head to attune her senses to the noise of him moving about the apartment -- or not moving about, such as he wasn't.

In the bathroom, she ran the sink and squeezed toothpaste onto her toothbrush. Avoiding her reflection didn't spare her any introspection as her eyes fixed on Shadow's toothbrush, left in the cup.

As soon as a fear sprang up, she drowned it out by berating herself for her useless thoughts. If she was afraid, she should tell him to leave, and if she wasn't going to do that, what point was there to letting her mind run worried laps? This isn't about you, Jones.

Jess sighed through her nose and resumed going through the motions. She shucked off her boots and jeans before sitting down on the toilet, multitasking as much as humanly possible. After a piss and a flush, then a spit and rinse, she was ready to go to bed in the same shirt she'd worn all day.

She had no reason to doubt that Shadow was just as drowsy as she was. He warned her before she got home that he might doze off, didn't he? She wouldn't be surprised if he was quietly snoring when she walked back into the room. While that wasn't the case, he nonetheless looked fit for sleep. Jess gave a weak smile as she shut the light off and crossed to the bed. Under the blanket, she tucked herself in alongside him, pillowing her head on his shoulder. ]

Thanks, [ she murmured, because saying this also felt like the right thing to do, though she was waiting on hindsight in order to actually feel grateful, ] for telling me.

[ Of course he didn't just leave the two glasses in the sink. It didn't take but a minute to wash them and left the kitchen clean for breakfast in the morning. He drank a little water while at the sink, swishing it around then spitting it out. Shadow would normally have the same routine that Jessica had in the bathroom but he wanted to give her space aside from having pretty much done it before she got home.

Home.

It was hers shared with him and it seemed that Jessica wanted to continue that way. In the morning, he'd put his clothes back in the broken drawer and the far corner of the closet. The bag he'd been living out of had been empty under her bed until they texted about him coming clean. Shadow hoped for the best but planned for the worst.

He was glad to have been wrong, happy to unpack his bag again.

Shadow had gotten out of his jeans and left them on top of the pile. He rested on his back as she often found him. Jessica usually used his arm for a pillow but he needed her a little closer. ] Thanks for listening and believing me.

[ His arm moved up and under her head, giving Jessica the pocket between his shoulder and chest to rest on. Shadow leaned in and gave her lips a proper soft kiss goodnight. They had more passionate kisses between them but it didn't feel right in the moment. She had listened and believed him but he knew she was still processing it all. He could feel it. His head fell back on the pillow.

Quietly, he looked at the shadows that filtered in from the street lights on the ceiling of the dark room. It seemed like an eternity before his mind settled enough for sleep to overtake him. ]

[ It took her a long time to relax. In her head, she threw together a sloppy pseudo-mantra out of the facts he'd given her. When her thoughts strayed to her past, she gracelessly corrected them. After hearing the word "Wednesday" three or four times, it occurred to her what god Shadow was dealing with.

Could the Avengers help him? Would they even want to? Thor was barely even a member. He spent his time everywhere but Earth and who could blame him. Whether he got help or not, Shadow would end up on a government list for the rest of his life, if he wasn't locked up in a facility for monitoring and weaponizing. No, they couldn't go to the heroes with this, unless they'd exhausted every resort including the last and whatever was buried underneath the last.

Back to the facts. God dad. Human mom. Zombie wife.

Eventually, she wore herself out with mental repetition and the struggle to keep it on course. Her last thoughts before sleep were unfettered and sinisterly personal, pouring over with doubt and regret. Then came a stretch of blissful darkness that was both long and too short. She wasn't aware of it until it had ended and she was at the mercy of her dreams.

She was standing on the stage of the nightclub where Luke was forced to try and kill her. The floor was flooded with dark water up to the stage's edge, and absent below the surface. It was black and deep and it smelled salty. She was alone except for her reflection, which stood out in a shock of bright yellow. Jess recognized the dress she was wearing but, somehow, not that she was wearing it.

Another breath and she would jump. Below the water, everyone would be safe. But no matter how much time passed, and how badly she wanted to, she didn't move. Alone, she blamed herself. This had to a decision she was making, even though she knew everyone was going to suffer for it. Frustrated tears started to roll down her face and dampen her dress in tiny speckles. It got hard to see through them. It got harder to breathe and so her chance to jump got further and further away. Behind her, someone spoke her name. Feet rooted, Jess turned at the waist and stared blearily down two dark barrels.

She woke up right as the shotgun went off. ]

Jess... Jessica.

[ He'd drifted off to sleep finally, having counted over a hundred as the shadows slowly shifted on her ceiling. Exhaustion kicked in while he closed his eyes and focused on her breathing instead of his own. Only as he succumbed to sleep did he think about how often he'd fallen asleep to the sound of her breaths.

There were times she didn't utter a word in greeting when Jessica came through the door and they were tangled up physically in that silence. Other times, she slipped into bed while he was sound asleep and her body aligned perfectly next to his.

His thoughts wouldn't take hold. Dreams? Shadow wasn't sure what his mind had been up to. Had he been simply just replaying past memories or was it a dream he'd been having?

Only when Jessica felt stiff and heavy in his arms did every image in his mind come to a screeching halt. If the weight of her body hadn't started to pull him from sleep, her sudden jolt definitely did the trick. His mouth felt dry but he smacked his lips to fight off the dryness. ] Baby, what's wrong?

[ Hoarsely, he continued to call for Jessica. Shadow was careful not to restrain her or smother her. Her strength could send him crashing into the wall. He was careful not to run the callused parts of his hands over her skin, attempting a soft caress to coax her into answering him. ]

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