underachievement | IC INBOX + OPEN POST / memes, psl, etc.

ooc: taken from here. I know we didn't discuss so delete at will, no hard feelings. ♥

Wake me up if I fall asleep

[ Shadow had never fully emptied his bag. It was more for Jessica, fully believing that she didn't want him to move in. He was just visiting. Now he wondered as contemplated packing his things in case she took what he was going to disclose the wrong way.

He'd sent her the last text for something to say that he would been waiting and maybe the news wasn't something for her to freak out about. Shadow couldn't fall asleep. He kept glancing at his phone, waiting while laying back on 'his side' of the new bed. ]

[ At this time of night, the route home was as quick by foot as it was by train. Foregoing the humidity of the underground, Jess chose to walk, finishing what was left her flask along the way. It was less than a full glass of whiskey, which she intended to pour for each of them before he spilled his guts.

In about twenty minutes, she was shutting her front door and locking it behind her. Her living room was as she'd left it, no furniture replaced nor rearranged. She took of her bag and jacket, leaving them on the couch, and grabbed a bottle off her desk as she went to the kitchen. Jess filled two glasses with cheap bourbon and headed down the hall to her bedroom. However she felt about its new look, she'd put aside for the time being.

She focused on him, as hard as everything else was to ignore among the the peculiar cleanliness. Unsurprisingly, he hadn't fallen asleep. ]

Hey.

Hey.

[ There wasn't a change to the room other than the bed and lamps (both lamps because one when there were two didn't seem right but just in case Jessica had some kind of attachment to the bedroom lamps, she would see the remaining unbroken lamp in the living room/waiting room area). ...Actually, there was more than the furniture change. He'd picked up all the trash, dirty dishes and dirty clothes. Shadow also cleaned the bathroom.

Cleaning was something he'd been used to as a globetrotter with his mom and then again as a foster kid, and again after Laura's funeral. Cleaning up every time he had to move on. This had been the first he'd hoped to move onto something more than a house guest but Shadow wasn't so sure as he contemplated everything Jessica was about to learn about him. Just because she had super strength didn't mean she'd believe what he planned to confess.

He swallowed thickly at her greeting, sitting up from his comfortable position on his back. Shadow reached to take the glass from her. He raised it slightly the way he'd often do, like a small silent toast in appreciation for the pour. The bourbon was a far cry from what his recent boss used to imbibe but Shadow welcomed the liquid. His mouth had suddenly felt dryer than the sands in Egypt.

His eyes fell to the contents of the glass for a second before looking back to Jessica. ] How long have you known about me being in prison or being married?

[ Shadow wasn't trying to avoid his confession. The question suddenly came to mind as he looked into her eyes. He wanted to be sure that learning the truth about him hadn't influenced her staying out for work longer like she had been recently. ]

[ She couldn't anticipate how or with what he would start. If she had, that question wouldn't be it. Jess couldn't be sure. It was between a slow stream of unremarkable cases and she often marked time by her jobs or by her sister's visits, which were more regular these days. ]

I found out a while after I met you, a while before you showed up again. [ It was a curiosity she picked up and put down on a couple separate occasions. When she hit upon his wife's death, she told herself she'd stop, then came back to it to learn a little more about his sentencing.

It was easily accessible information so Jess didn't feel particularly guilty about it, though it was a length someone in a different profession might not go to. Plus she'd had no reason to think she'd see him again. She watched him for anger or insult as she took a seat on the bed. ]

Edited (missed a word) 2020-07-19 05:22 (UTC)

[ There was some relief in learning that her discovery wasn't recent. He worried that just maybe it had been what kept her away, even if he'd never caught Jess in a lie. His marriage had done a number on him. Shadow had trusted Laura implicitly, never once questioning her loyalty.

Not that he questioned Jessica more than once on anything. Shadow observed and hoped for the best, stifling the worst as best as he could. He relaxed a little with the answer she just gave him. He sipped his drink before continuing. ]

This is going to sound crazy. If it's too much, I understand. I was in the thick of it for weeks and didn't believe any of it. But like I said in the text, or meant to, I like being with you. I don't want to take for granted the powers you have that you'll be alright without knowing just what it means to involved with me because it's a lot...

[ He swallowed thickly, feeling his mouth dry even though he'd taken a good long pull of the bourbon she poured. Shadow didn't pause for long but took a breath and kept going. ]

...As good a person as my mom was, my biological father is for all intents and purposes the complete opposite. He's more than likely where I picked up being a con man from. Nature over nurture. My mom refused to ever talk to me about him, forever telling me that there wasn't anything to tell. I'm sure it was to protect me but in the end, it did more harm than good.

When I met him, he never told me who he was. He made it look all by chance. Just happened to cross paths when I got out of prison. Wednesday had his own agenda. He needed me on his side but instead of pleading his case, he made it so I had nothing and nobody. I can't say for sure that he's responsible for me getting caught in the casino but he had Laura killed.

[ That was plenty to start with. Shadow waited to see how she took that much before going any further. So far he hadn't exactly shared anything unworldly. She had to know that there was more, nothing he'd said so far would merit the mention he made about her having powers. ]

[ Jess's bare for crazy-sounding shit was pretty high. She could safely assume higher than most's. Even so, she bound herself not to dismiss anything he said. She could keenly recall how it had hurt her when Luke didn't believe her claim about Kilgrave, to the point that she hadn't dealt with it, all these months late and despite his apology. It was still painful to revisit so she kept it buried.

She didn't want to do that to Shadow. From what she'd learned of him, in person rather than in the documented accounts of others, he was earnest to a fault. Why would he lie to her in an attempt to drive her away? There were shorter roads to that same end, including leaving without need for a single word.

So Jess listened, sipping intermittently from her glass. She eased her leg up onto the mattress, sitting more comfortably as he went on. His fear of her disbelief was unfounded, sentence by sentence. So far, it wasn't particularly strange. Absentee fathers showed back up and screwed up their kids lives all the time. More than a few thought they could hire her to help them do it. ("Wednesday" threw her off a bit but she expected that to become clear soon.)]

I'm sorry. [ About his wife. And because those words meant nothing, changed nothing, she at least had to qualify them. ] I know what it's like to have people taken away by someone who thinks they can just... make themselves your world. [ Her gaze drifted away from him as she told him, to the unusually clean floor, and the last of her words skipped like stones across the surface of her whiskey. Jess drank slowly but deeply, waiting for him to continue. When her thirst was quenched, she returned to watching him. ]

So much could go into why hadn't he been there when I was a kid or stepped up when my mom fought cancer and lost but...

[ Those eyes of hers, they felt more like a gateway to his soul than hers. He wasn't met with disbelief or criticism. Jessica had clearly said it: she knew what it was like to have people taken away by someone who thought they could make themselves her world. Shadow nearly got carried away by the acceptance, realizing that how she'd done her homework, he hadn't looked into her deeply.

The thought wasn't to protect himself but Shadow questioned if he'd possibly open a wound for her. He needed to finish telling her and give Jessica the opportunity to decide her involvement. ]

...He's just a manipulative selfish bastard. [ Shadow shook his head in disgust and continued. ] Who happens to a be a fucking god.

[ As much as he wanted to think it was the cheap booze getting to his head, Shadow knew better. He grounded himself by fixing his gaze on her eyes. ]

Not God but a god. We met on a Wednesday so I thought he was being funny, having me call him Mr Wednesday. He prefaced it 'today is my day' and I never caught on. It took being a mansion filled with Jesuses to see him suddenly change the perfect weather so he could strike down new gods with lightning before I--

[ That was probably too much. Shadow stopped and just sat with his mouth hanging open. ]

[ She could tell he wasn't lying. In real life, telling the truth was harder. Rarer. The less you shared it, the shoddier a job you made of it when you did. Shadow didn't know where to stop or where to start. Where his feelings fit among the facts. Jess sifted through the confessions to pluck out what was meant to matter to her.

A god. One of the Avengers was a god. Well, an alien that ancient humanity mistook for one, to whom the definition had been tailored so that any distinction was immaterial. Another god of the same stripe was responsible for the Incident. Why shouldn't there be more of them, less interested in the notoriety of Thor and his brother? Easier to revel in one's "godliness" without government exploitation or mass public scrutiny. Contrary to what Shadow feared, it made a frightening amount of sense.

Her grip tightened on her glass. She became aware of it half an instant before it would have shattered and kept herself in check. ]

Does he have any way of knowing where you are? Credit cards? Mutual connections?

[ Unlike the Thor she was familiar with, Donar Odinson (Donar being the old germanic name for Thor) had long ago died by his father's deeds. Donnie had been left without anyone or anything and committed suicide. Only a god could kill a god.

That little known fact should have clued Shadow in when Mad Sweeney had died by his hand. It shouldn't have taken Yggdrasil (the World Tree) pulling him in for him to realize who he was or any of the other lies Wednesday told. All of it had been so much to understand and accept.

He was relieved that Jessica seemed to believe him but he wasn't finished his story. ]

Technology falls under the new gods. Wednesday doesn't believe in cell phones or in anything that can be controlled by Technical Boy who's controlled by Mr World; his arch nemesis. There's a war between the new gods and gods of old. That's what he wanted me for.

He's fucking nuts. For someone in a war, I've seen him kill a friend and an ally. Some of the old gods deserve better. I don't know that the one responsible for half of me does. [ The brave face broke and he gave her a pleading look. ] I'm not the son who had unbelievable strength. I'm hopefully smarter and can evade him longer.

[ She drank while he talked, draining most of her glass. He lost her among the deluge of proper nouns but the gist of it still registered. He was scared. Stuck with a destiny he didn't ask for. And Jess wanted to help him escape it.

But it wasn't as easy as offering. She had to take a tally of her own life. Had to have some kind of assurance that it wouldn't blow back on her sister or her assistant or even her clients. And she would ask for that, in due time. Shadow had lain his ghosts bare beside her, and he needed assurances, too. That he didn't think he was putting her on, that she really believed it as true and not his delusion.

She set her hand on his upper arm, mooring him to her presence. ]

I believe you. [ She couldn't altogether explain to herself why she did, and in an effort to do so she'd be looking into his father a lot in the coming days, but that wasn't worth saying. ]

There's one more thing. [ As much as Shadow wanted to leave things at her believing him, he truly didn't want any harm to come to Jessica. He polished off the glass in hand before continuing. His chest moved pronounced with a deep breath that he took regardless of feeling as if he couldn't breathe even after taking it. ] Laura came back from the dead.

[ He now wished the liquor bottle was in hand's reach. Shadow didn't cave but continued to explain, still watching Jessica with a pleading look. ]

She's got a pass from the underworld. It's a long story but I made it to her funeral, I had a coin on me that I won from the son of a bitch Wednesday used to railroad my life. It's a lucky coin. Not only did she rise from the dead but has your strength. Only she's still a corpse. She was decaying to the point she...

[ Maybe he should stop and give Jess a chance to process. ]

[ Okay, that was a stumbling block. Jess blinked and straightened up somewhat, her hand falling to the blanket between them. Resurrection wasn't as out of her wheelhouse as she'd like it to be, but Elektra's had been... tidy? She wasn't a walking carcass. Called back from the grave by some kind of blood ritual or something. "Lucky coin" was a lot more esoteric. ]

Is she looking for you too? [ To take revenge on him for ending her life by proxy, or to use him to get to the man who did it directly? ]

[ He flinched as she started to move, expecting the worst. It was more than a tolerant person would probably be able to handle. Jess was guarded. He couldn't blame her for wanting to get away from him. But she didn't. He took a breath as she didn't move off the bed and took her hand. Not so much to hold her from leaving, she had every right. The grasp was an effort to be supportive. Appreciative. Maybe even to ground him in everything he confessed. ]

I don't know. She has before. It was some time after the funeral that I saw her. She'd been looking for me. I don't think she knew about Wednesday then. This was more recent. She asked if I'd stop her from killing him. I told her it's a free country. Haven't seen her since but she said some other stuff before that. I...

[ His eyes fell to her hand for a moment then picked back up. There was an apology on his face, sorry for all the baggage that came with him. ] ...I'm not sure how she'll take me being with someone else. Even though she cheated on me twice. Laura has her own agenda. She's got strength like you. The last that I saw her, she also had some magic done where the decay reversed. [ Shadow took a breath. ]

That's pretty much all of it.

[ Cheated on him twice. Well, fuck. She couldn't very well pawn her feelings of worthlessness off on Corpse Bride then, could she? They were both shitty partners. Jess ought to tell him what she had done to Luke prior to shooting him in the head but it seemed wrong to make his moment of vulnerability about her.

At least he was done. There was enough that she couldn't unpack it in a single night. It would take days of on-and-off thinking, driving herself to conclusions and stumbling into them blindly. She upended the remains of her whiskey down her throat, swallowed and swiped her tongue across her lips.

There was one thing she needed to know here and now. ]

These... gods, can they make you do things? I mean, really force -- get into your head, puppet you around.

No. It's not like that. They show you favor if you worship them. They crave worship. Need it. Without followers, they die. If any of them could control a person then there wouldn't be a war.

[ He set his glass on the table closest to him then took her empty glass and set it next to his, all the while Shadow never lost eye contact. Any question that Jessica had, he'd gladly answer. The conversation wasn't supposed to be his unburdening yet in a way it was. He didn't expect anyone on the outside to believe him, let alone understand. Jess looked as if she was trying to. ]

[ That was what it sounded like to her but she had to be sure. Where her own safety was concerned, she wasn't afraid of much. She had the will to live through a lot. But not that again. She told Trish she'd die before she let that happen and it was as now as it was then.

Jess breathed out shakily and gave an inert nod. ]

Okay. [ She focused back on him, not having realized her stare had pierced through him as he answered, on some indefinable point beyond. ] It's a lot of shit.

[ He watched her quietly for a second as she took a shaky breath. Shadow couldn't guess at what she was thinking. He held a breath until her second comment, letting it go then taking in another deep one. He nodded silently. ]

So you see, you can't worry about something bad happening to me. I've got that all covered.

[ His tone might have held a light tease but his face told another story. He worried, more about her safety than whether or not Jessica still wanted to be with him. Shadow would never forgive himself if anything happened to her. Even with everything that Laura had done, he still held a similar concern. ]

[ That was something. Maybe. Long after he'd squeezed hers, she squeezed his hand back. Danger on two fronts didn't cancel one another out. She couldn't protect him from the threats in his life when she could barely manage the blowback in hers. ]

You want more to drink? I do. [ Jess rose from the bed, slipping her hand out from his. She rested it briefly on his shoulder as she left, an assurance that she wouldn't be gone long, and wasn't leaving to avoid or abandon him. ]

Yeah, sure. [ He answered reflexively, understanding the need for more alcohol with everything he'd told her.

Shadow also could use the mild sedation that liquor provided. Everything he shared was a trip down memory lane that plagued his sleep from time to time. Jessica hadn't complained or questioned the nights he woke up in a sweat and on edge. Not that they were frequent in her company. In fact, nightmares had a tendency of occurring when he'd fallen asleep without her--something he hadn't told her and had no plans to do so. None of it was her burden to carry.

Would she question anything? What he shared? What he hadn't? Did she want to talk about any of it or file it all away for another time? He took weeks to believe half the things he'd told her, it wasn't right to put Jessica on the spot. Patiently, he waited for her to return. ]

[ There was a number of conclusions she would arrive at later, after her brain had time to breathe. One was that Wednesday was Odin, going by etymology. Another was that he'd given her insight into what shook him from sleep in the night. Jess hadn't asked because it was inevitable that she'd experience her own nightmare beside him, as long as they shared a bed, and she wouldn't appreciate receiving questions of what or why.

She had a minute or two of mental respite to enact, tops. Jess located the bottle right away but nonetheless paused once she had it in her hand. Seconds ticked by in which he could believe she was still searching. Her gaze fell on the whiskey label while she focused on nothing. Trying to order what Shadow had told her was futile chaos. The best she could do was remember and repeat it to herself, cementing it as real. Jess took a bracing swig from the bottle and headed back, crossing the bedroom threshold as she topped up her glass. ]

Okay. God dad. Human mom. Zombie wife. A war over worshippers, that you're somehow supposed to help with. [ She rattled off what was in the process of sinking in. It did actually help her pick out one question from the tangled myriad of them. She held the bottle over his glass to pour his refill, resuming her seat beside him. ] How?

[ Oddly, her string of accurate statements agitated the mix of emotions swirling within. Wednesday was not someone that Shadow could ever think of as a dad, even after hearing the man repeatedly talk about having a son. He had the nerve to even tell Shadow how he reminded him of said son.

Human mom. Humanity was something his mother had always urged him to be patient with, kind to, protective of ...even when he was treated in the opposite manner. A part of him believed the description was accurate while another felt that it held the connotation of her being among the living.

The opposite could be said about the woman he'd taken as a wife. No fault of Jessica, Shadow had said as much with his description. Yet it held a different kind of sting than the two mentioned before Laura. He didn't have a way to describe the feeling other than 'uncomfortable' at hearing his current romantic interest talk about his former.

Shadow didn't think Jessica meant to hurt him with what she said but it stung all the same.

He wouldn't take the descriptions as an insult or gospel. She had a way of being direct that was refreshing after time spent with both Laura and Wednesday. However, it wasn't as if Shadow didn't have to guess where he stood with Jessica. It just wasn't a guessing game as it seemed to be with the other two.

Shadow shook the thoughts from his mind, not wanting to think more about anyone but the woman to his side. He picked up the freshly poured bourbon and swallowed down half the glass before answering. ]

I don't know. [ He uttered quietly, not recognizing that his shoulders slumped and his torso slouched while sitting in thought. Shadow straightened. He rested the glass of bourbon on one knee while his free hand rested on the same are of his opposite leg. His eyes stared at the amber liquid. ] I just know I play a part since he's gone through ridiculous lengths to have me around.

He hired me as his bodyguard. In that timeframe, I've been lynched and hung on a tree where I somehow got freed. Witnessed him suddenly decapitate an old friend of his. Ended up taken in by cops where the entire station was slaughtered and I subsequently was stabbed by a tree. We became the subject of a manhunt but not because of the cops, because of Mr World and the other new gods. Then I ended up killing an old god who turned on Wednesday before the trip into The World Tree where I learned the truth about who I am. ...It's all so fucked.

[ So much for not dumping more on her plate. Shadow finished his newly poured drink and held onto the empty glass. ]

[ Jess didn't share her story because she was of the opinion that someone always had it worse than her. And apparently that someone was Shadow Moon. Any individual event he described was enough to make a person wonder what the point of living was anymore; so many of them happening to the same person, consecutively or overlapping, made the fact that he was willfully alive (without the crutch of a debilitating addiction) the most credulity-straining aspect of it all.

She laid her hand on his back as he talked and she drank. The precinct he mentioned brought back the memory of one she'd been in that nearly ended up the same way. Officers frozen still, guns pointed at each other's heads, ready to fire if she made a move against the persuasive stranger in the purple suit. Sometimes she regretted choosing not to, despite what it would have cost. There would have been footage that couldn't be denied. Hope would be alive. Possibly free.

Even with the benefit of hindsight she never would have done it. Admirable to some, perhaps. To her, it was another stick of kindling on the pyre of her self-loathing.

Rinsing her brain with a swig of whiskey, her voice was low and even when she spoke. To the point that her question barely held an inflection. ] Do you have any abilities? Powers?

I'm not really sure. I think so. [ He answered quietly, unsure what to make of Jessica in the moment. Shadow couldn't her body language or the cadence of her speech. She wasn't saying much but she was engaged in the conversation. Instead of watching her, he poured himself more to drink. ] I thought about snow once and made it snow. I could feel something bad was gonna happen then Laura died. I saw her once. Closing my eyes, I could see her where she was in my mind...

[ As he thought about her question, memories flooded him. His eyes looked to the floor as he remained pensive. Shadow had set the bottle back down and kept the freshly poured glass between his hands. ] ...I was better just a day after the lynching. I've never really been sick. Never broke a bone. [ He turned his head to face Jessica and held a questioning look, facially expressing that this had been the first he thought of it. ]

I walked away from an actual trainwreck.

[ So he was hardy, like her. Hardier, possibly, falling somewhere between her and Luke. And he had mental abilities, which had to have been harder to detect and confirm in himself. If fully-fledged gods couldn't directly manipulate peoples' minds, it was almost certain he couldn't either. Jess didn't think he would abuse the power, if he did have it, but he could make some grievous mistakes. She was glad she had headed off that fear with her first question. ]

Maybe there's something you can do that no one else can, even him. Or something he's afraid to do. [ Which wasn't a burden Shadow chose to carry. It wasn't his responsibility to figure it out, and Jess didn't know if she, herself, wanted him to. She was in no position to help him sharpen his powers. As much as it could strengthen his defenses against his father, it could also lead him right to him.

To compensate for her crappy skills of emotional support, she rubbed down his back, and up, slowly. Nothing she could say could improve his situation so she probably should stop talking altogether. ]

[ There was an uncanny truth to what Jessica suggested. He could feel it to his core. Wednesday rarely got his hands dirty, using others to do that work for him. Mad Sweeney, Djinn, and Shadow had all been the Allfather's latest hired help. One was now dead at the hands of another. Shadow looked to Jess after drinking half his glass again.

He was quickly on the road of getting drunk again. ] I've seen him affect the weather so that's not it. He doesn't seem to ever be in a shit storm so he probably sees it coming. [ Suddenly there was a sharp realization; Wednesday could probably see where he was. Shadow froze. Not even the touch on his back consoled him. ]

I shouldn't be here. He probably already knows where I am. Shit!

[ If he could think clearly, Shadow might remember how Odin obtained information. Someone was at his disposal to give it to him whether his ravens or another old god. 'Like father, like son' only went to a certain extent but his shoulders slumped in defeat as he didn't think the notion out thoroughly. ]</small.

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